I was defeated by an art block; art block so strong and horrible I hadn't strenght to resist it. I made my peace with writer's block, which lasts for eternity now, but I can't make peace with this.
I can't draw. I don't want to draw, and that frightening enough for me. But the scariest part is that I have exactly zero ideas in my head. It never was a problem before; I could just sit and momentarily draw silly, but self-indulgent sketch with several lines of context in my mind. Now I open SAI, create new canvas and nothing happens. I sit and wait for half an hour for miracle to happen, I rest, I try to draw mindlessly, because it helped me before, but it doesn't work anymore.
At times something hooks me up — for example, beautiful scene in fan-fiction — and then ideas actually slip into my stupid head. Sadly, it isn't helping either, because I almost instantly throw them away. I don't want to draw complex poses or compositions. I stop myself, knowing I don't have enough skills for that. It rarely stopped me before, because I honestly believed it's better to draw something than not draw at all, that practice is the key. But back then I wanted something — to be better, to conquer new hights, to make myself happy (and, ideally, someone else). Now art seems to me pointless. And that's horrible — when something you valued so much starting to mean nothing to you.
Week goes after week and nothing changes. I know what caused this and I know what added branches to the pile, but that knowledge can't help me to resolve the problem. I draw commissions, because I had to, and feel myself pretty miserable. I never had an art block so horrible before, and I draw since my childhood. It makes my life complicated; I don't want to create, I don't want to communicate with people, I don’t want to do anything.
I'm so afraid it will always be like this.
Watching: Game of Thrones
Playing: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim